No More

Two years ago to the day my sister Tessa, gave birth to a handsome little boy. She had given birth before, but this time was different. This time, this baby was going to another family. A family that I connected her to.

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She honestly couldn’t afford another kiddo, and she was so afraid when she found out she was pregnant. For months her and I talked about my DH & I adopting.

After many long talks with my DH, and praying a TON; we knew that baby boy wasn’t meant for us. We knew we wanted to try again ourselves very soon.

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(My nephew & I)

But, through family connects I learned of a wonderful couple who had been searching for a baby to adopted for a while, but because they already had children they were basically at the bottom of the adoption lists.

The were neighbors, and close friends with my DH’s uncle.

I remember bring up the couple to Tessa, and at first she was mad at me. She wanted me to adopted so she could see the baby all the time. We talked many times. With Scott being in the Army we would always eventually move. And honestly she knew it would be too hard for her to watch her child grow, and not be the mommy.

So after those talks she finally connected with the couple, and the rest is history.

Today is that baby boys 2nd birthday. He is truly blessed with the family that adopted him. They shower him with so much love, and devotion.

I was looking at pictures from the day he was born. I remember texting my sister waiting for her to tell me he had arrived. Once she did, I raced from my work to meet the little man I wouldn’t really be an aunt to. I knew I had to be there for my sister also. If you knew my sister, you would of known her kids were her everything. She lived and breathed them. It was heartbreaking. Watching my sister hold her son, and yet, have a half empty face. She disconnected from him the moment he arrived. It was sad and brutal to witness.

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Eventually though, she did come to terms with her choice. She knew it was for the best, and her little man was truly blessed with the family he had received. It was God’s will.

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I didn’t expect today to hit me the way it did though. To know that Tessa & I will never have life altering moments like this again. We will not have each others shoulder to cry/lean on. To know that we can depend on one another in the worse of times. To know that when we crumble into pieces that someone is there who knows you so completely to help you get put back together. No more rushing to a hospital to meet the newest addition to the family that she brought into the world.

Those are hard truths. Once that train of thought hit me, I went and cried in the shower for a good 30 minutes. Even now, typing this up my eyes are blurry, because of the pain I am feeling from the void of her not being alive.

This grief is so powerful, and at times can become so overwhelming. I never want to lose someone so close to me again.

And yet it’s going to happen.

I don’t know what I will do when it happens again.

Does it get easier?

Or is it just more pain piled onto the rest?

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What Dreams May Come

Lately, I have been having dreams about Tessa.

And they feel so real. Like I was standing in front of her again. I could touch her, and she would become alive once more.

Sadly, I eventually wake up, and I know I will have to wait a while (hopefully) til I see her once more.

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 My sister & I have a history with sunflowers, and poppy flowers. In these dreams we are standing in a field of them as far as the eye can see. The sky is so bright, that it hurts to look up into. But, when I am looking at Tessa it doesn’t hurt.

Seems to me like it should. Seeing her, and knowing it’s a lie.

In the dreams she always ask about my life; what everyone has been up to, letting me vent if need be, and telling her all about my life currently.

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It’s funny because that’s what she did when she was alive also. She was my go to person if I needed an ear to listen. She knew all my struggles and heartaches. My deepest secrets, and my joyous triumphs.

Now that she is gone I don’t have that anymore.

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Yes, my DH is my best friend, but my sister was a whole different level of best friendship.

It’s hard just talking to her, and not being able to hear her voice talking back to me.

In the dreams she won’t talk about herself though.

When I wake up I always find that really strange.

And she doesn’t ask about her kiddos that are left behind without her.

But hey, it is just the ‘dream Tessa’.

These dreams feel so real; that they make me wonder if loved ones can reach out to you like that after they have passed.

I hope so.

It might be in vain, but it helps with my sanity.

Grief is a strange thing.

It’s so different for each person.

Boom-Boom

Think about the town where you currently live: its local customs, traditions, and hangouts, its slang. What would be the strangest thing about this place for a first-time visitor?

Well, we live on post at Fort Bragg, NC.

So there are lots of ‘customs’ and ‘traditions’ that would make a first time person pause. Especially, a civilian with no military knowledge.

I believe the biggest one though would have to be when artillery practice/training is going on. Especially, when the Marines are visiting, it’s like 10 times worse.

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On the Facebook page for spouses first timers tend to freak out and question, “What was that huge boom? It shook the whole house!!”

Yep, once you’ve lived on one post you get so use to it; that you don’t really notice it anymore. Or you’re just so desensitized to it. Even our oldest ‘R’ knows what it is, and she’s only about to be 5 years old. When it happens she giggles, and says, “Mommy, the Army guys are practicing!”

The second would have to be the ‘loud-speaker’. Through out the post there are speakers. It’s kind of like the mass notification system for us. First timers freak out when they hear it too. There’s at least one ‘test message’ a month (sometimes more). And depending on where you live on post; you either hear the message really well (too loud), or all you hear is mumbling. So again, first timers take to Facebook freaking out and asking, “What the hell was that?! Are we in danger?”

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Anticipation

It’s the night before an important event: a big exam, a major presentation, your wedding. How do you calm your nerves in preparation for the big day?

Back in my middle school, and high-school days; I remember the night before perfectly. I am a very anal ‘OCD’ person. So I would spend those night hours going over; what I was going to wear, what my make-up would look like, how I should do up or down my hair, and how to put everything into my back-bag perfectly. I’m serious, hours were spent on these things. Now when I look back I wish I would of realized sleep was more important. If I could cash in on those hours lost, I would be filthy rich.

When it came to the academic side of school I was decent. The only subject I have ever really sucked at was math. Especially, algebra. What was weird is if it had to do with science math, I could understand it. Anyways, when big exams would come up I would study hard the week before. But the night before I would just relax. I’m one of those people who, even if I cram the night before my brain won’t absorb anything. It just spits it all back out.

As school years came and went a new tradition was formed. The night before each school year I would still do all my ‘OCD’ stuff, but I added something else. I had shoe box’s full of notes (yep, this was before texting) from the years past. I would sit on my bedroom floor and read through them all. It made me even more excited for some reason.

Funny thing is; I still have those shoe boxes, and every time we move I read them when we are un-packing.

I know I am weird, but “to each his own.”

Waiting

Just waiting.

I hate it. The longer I sit here, the more nervous I feel.

I know it could take days, weeks, and/or months.

And yet, each day is pasted with worry.

I know He has told us not to worry, but it’s in the human condition that he created.

Watching the news, and witnessing the world go up in flames.

It seems each dawn brings a new horror.

The evil seems to be growing, and reproducing at an alarming rate.

So it seems like no one wants to get their hands dirty.

“Every man for himself,” seems like the new motto.

It’s sad, and just depressing.

So each day I wait for that call.

That call would be frightening, but it’s what my DH was put on this Earth to do.

Just like many other men, and woman in uniform.

He loves to serve his country, and to protect the innocent.

Justice.

God created us all for different reasons.

God created warriors too.

The ones who do what most couldn’t even imagine or handle.

Still, for the family and friends it’s a waiting game.

Whens the next time they leave?

How much time do we have left together?

Is this really going to happen?

If you have someone close to you or just someone you know in uniform you know what I am talking about.

As you watch the news, and debate with others; that person is in the back of your mind.

The waiting is sometimes excruciating.

Vicious Circle

Our free-write is back by popular demand: today, write about anything — but you must write for exactly ten minutes, no more, no less.

It’s getting hard to breath again.

I can feel it.

The shallow breaths that aren’t enough.

Light headedness blackening my eyesight.

Forced to pause, and wonder.

Will I ever breath easy?

It’s tempting.

To give up when it’s too strenuous.

Fold into one’s self.

Become the comforting nothingness.

To be numb inside, and out.

Instead I decide to  fight.

Takes so much effort.

I feel the fire within starting to burst through my skin.

The pain arrives, and it’s searing through my defeat.

All I have left is to prosper.

There’s no other way.

Unless I want to return to the nothing.

For just a moment I feel invincible.

Like carbon formed into a diamond.

I dazzle, and awe.

Until the next descent into the abyss.

It’s a vicious circle.

Because I’m Happy

It feels FANTASTIC here at Fort Bragg.

Fall has OFFICIALLY arrived, and I am pumped up!

My pinning on Pinterest is at an all time high.

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And Starbucks is visited up to 3 times a week now.

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Our oldest ‘R’, has been collecting pine cones on our walks; for the crafts we have planned so far.

Baby ‘A’ has worn a knit hat to keep her head warm.

And I have been looking for two days now online. I am preparing for the girls fall clothing shopping trip!

So yes that means TARGET trip, and budgeting!!!

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I love buying them new clothes!!!! Girl clothing is just so much fun, and the SHOES too.

Today is the second day in a row where I have had the A/C turned off, and all the windows open.

I am wearing a HOODIE today. Yes, I freaking HOODIE, and I am just so freaking EXCITED!!!

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We have two dogs.

So even cleaning all day the house always kind of smells like them.

But not right now, because of the windows being open!!

I have like 5 pumpkin candles lit and it smells awesome in here.

I’m just so happy right now. :)

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