What Dreams May Come

Lately, I have been having dreams about Tessa.

And they feel so real. Like I was standing in front of her again. I could touch her, and she would become alive once more.

Sadly, I eventually wake up, and I know I will have to wait a while (hopefully) til I see her once more.

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 My sister & I have a history with sunflowers, and poppy flowers. In these dreams we are standing in a field of them as far as the eye can see. The sky is so bright, that it hurts to look up into. But, when I am looking at Tessa it doesn’t hurt.

Seems to me like it should. Seeing her, and knowing it’s a lie.

In the dreams she always ask about my life; what everyone has been up to, letting me vent if need be, and telling her all about my life currently.

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It’s funny because that’s what she did when she was alive also. She was my go to person if I needed an ear to listen. She knew all my struggles and heartaches. My deepest secrets, and my joyous triumphs.

Now that she is gone I don’t have that anymore.

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Yes, my DH is my best friend, but my sister was a whole different level of best friendship.

It’s hard just talking to her, and not being able to hear her voice talking back to me.

In the dreams she won’t talk about herself though.

When I wake up I always find that really strange.

And she doesn’t ask about her kiddos that are left behind without her.

But hey, it is just the ‘dream Tessa’.

These dreams feel so real; that they make me wonder if loved ones can reach out to you like that after they have passed.

I hope so.

It might be in vain, but it helps with my sanity.

Grief is a strange thing.

It’s so different for each person.

Boom-Boom

Think about the town where you currently live: its local customs, traditions, and hangouts, its slang. What would be the strangest thing about this place for a first-time visitor?

Well, we live on post at Fort Bragg, NC.

So there are lots of ‘customs’ and ‘traditions’ that would make a first time person pause. Especially, a civilian with no military knowledge.

I believe the biggest one though would have to be when artillery practice/training is going on. Especially, when the Marines are visiting, it’s like 10 times worse.

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On the Facebook page for spouses first timers tend to freak out and question, “What was that huge boom? It shook the whole house!!”

Yep, once you’ve lived on one post you get so use to it; that you don’t really notice it anymore. Or you’re just so desensitized to it. Even our oldest ‘R’ knows what it is, and she’s only about to be 5 years old. When it happens she giggles, and says, “Mommy, the Army guys are practicing!”

The second would have to be the ‘loud-speaker’. Through out the post there are speakers. It’s kind of like the mass notification system for us. First timers freak out when they hear it too. There’s at least one ‘test message’ a month (sometimes more). And depending on where you live on post; you either hear the message really well (too loud), or all you hear is mumbling. So again, first timers take to Facebook freaking out and asking, “What the hell was that?! Are we in danger?”

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Anticipation

It’s the night before an important event: a big exam, a major presentation, your wedding. How do you calm your nerves in preparation for the big day?

Back in my middle school, and high-school days; I remember the night before perfectly. I am a very anal ‘OCD’ person. So I would spend those night hours going over; what I was going to wear, what my make-up would look like, how I should do up or down my hair, and how to put everything into my back-bag perfectly. I’m serious, hours were spent on these things. Now when I look back I wish I would of realized sleep was more important. If I could cash in on those hours lost, I would be filthy rich.

When it came to the academic side of school I was decent. The only subject I have ever really sucked at was math. Especially, algebra. What was weird is if it had to do with science math, I could understand it. Anyways, when big exams would come up I would study hard the week before. But the night before I would just relax. I’m one of those people who, even if I cram the night before my brain won’t absorb anything. It just spits it all back out.

As school years came and went a new tradition was formed. The night before each school year I would still do all my ‘OCD’ stuff, but I added something else. I had shoe box’s full of notes (yep, this was before texting) from the years past. I would sit on my bedroom floor and read through them all. It made me even more excited for some reason.

Funny thing is; I still have those shoe boxes, and every time we move I read them when we are un-packing.

I know I am weird, but “to each his own.”

Waiting

Just waiting.

I hate it. The longer I sit here, the more nervous I feel.

I know it could take days, weeks, and/or months.

And yet, each day is pasted with worry.

I know He has told us not to worry, but it’s in the human condition that he created.

Watching the news, and witnessing the world go up in flames.

It seems each dawn brings a new horror.

The evil seems to be growing, and reproducing at an alarming rate.

So it seems like no one wants to get their hands dirty.

“Every man for himself,” seems like the new motto.

It’s sad, and just depressing.

So each day I wait for that call.

That call would be frightening, but it’s what my DH was put on this Earth to do.

Just like many other men, and woman in uniform.

He loves to serve his country, and to protect the innocent.

Justice.

God created us all for different reasons.

God created warriors too.

The ones who do what most couldn’t even imagine or handle.

Still, for the family and friends it’s a waiting game.

Whens the next time they leave?

How much time do we have left together?

Is this really going to happen?

If you have someone close to you or just someone you know in uniform you know what I am talking about.

As you watch the news, and debate with others; that person is in the back of your mind.

The waiting is sometimes excruciating.

Vicious Circle

Our free-write is back by popular demand: today, write about anything — but you must write for exactly ten minutes, no more, no less.

It’s getting hard to breath again.

I can feel it.

The shallow breaths that aren’t enough.

Light headedness blackening my eyesight.

Forced to pause, and wonder.

Will I ever breath easy?

It’s tempting.

To give up when it’s too strenuous.

Fold into one’s self.

Become the comforting nothingness.

To be numb inside, and out.

Instead I decide to  fight.

Takes so much effort.

I feel the fire within starting to burst through my skin.

The pain arrives, and it’s searing through my defeat.

All I have left is to prosper.

There’s no other way.

Unless I want to return to the nothing.

For just a moment I feel invincible.

Like carbon formed into a diamond.

I dazzle, and awe.

Until the next descent into the abyss.

It’s a vicious circle.

Because I’m Happy

It feels FANTASTIC here at Fort Bragg.

Fall has OFFICIALLY arrived, and I am pumped up!

My pinning on Pinterest is at an all time high.

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And Starbucks is visited up to 3 times a week now.

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Our oldest ‘R’, has been collecting pine cones on our walks; for the crafts we have planned so far.

Baby ‘A’ has worn a knit hat to keep her head warm.

And I have been looking for two days now online. I am preparing for the girls fall clothing shopping trip!

So yes that means TARGET trip, and budgeting!!!

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I love buying them new clothes!!!! Girl clothing is just so much fun, and the SHOES too.

Today is the second day in a row where I have had the A/C turned off, and all the windows open.

I am wearing a HOODIE today. Yes, I freaking HOODIE, and I am just so freaking EXCITED!!!

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We have two dogs.

So even cleaning all day the house always kind of smells like them.

But not right now, because of the windows being open!!

I have like 5 pumpkin candles lit and it smells awesome in here.

I’m just so happy right now. :)

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Getting to know you….

If you had to come up with one question, the answer to which would determine whether or not you could be friends with a person you’ve just met, what would it be? What would the right answer be?

Wow, I didn’t realize how hard this would be.

I am a very accepting person.

I learned to not judge a book by it’s cover.

I can think of a couple of questions.

But even if you didn’t answer the ‘correct’ way, I would still be your friend most likely.

I know people have their own preference with all things.

Some questions….

Do you believe in Jesus Christ?

That question is considered a big one for many ‘Christians’. But to me, someone who believes in Christ, I won’t really care about your answer. It would make our relationship go to a whole new level, but it wouldn’t make me shun you if you don’t believe. I guess the only way this could be answered incorrectly for me is if you worshiped the devil. Then our friendship is a no go.

Who is your favorite football team?

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- CORRECT ANSWER: Would have to be any team that is NOT the Cowboys.

Extra Credit Answer: Patriots ;)

But hey, my husband loves the Cowboys, and yet I love him to death.

(See what I mean.)

Do you have any kids?

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- Correct answer: Would be yes. But, even if you didn’t have any I would still be your friend. It’s just that having kids helps me connect even more with you. We’ve been through so much of the same things. The struggles and the joys. Again it’s that deeper level of friendship that could be built.

Extra Credit Answer: Yes, and they are the same ages as my kids!!!! Now that is just pure awesomeness when that happens!!!.

What kind of music do you listen to?

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- Correct Answer: I listen to everything EXCEPT hardcore rap.

Extra Credit Answer: I listen to everything, but Country is my first love.

Wrong Answer: Hardcore Rap. I’m sorry, i just can’t stand the filthiness of the lyrics. But even if you did answer with the wrong answer there is still a chance at a friendship. We could have many more things in common. And I would just make sure we took my car everywhere together; so I would never have to suffer through your music. :)