Two years ago to the day my sister Tessa, gave birth to a handsome little boy. She had given birth before, but this time was different. This time, this baby was going to another family. A family that I connected her to.
She honestly couldn’t afford another kiddo, and she was so afraid when she found out she was pregnant. For months her and I talked about my DH & I adopting.
After many long talks with my DH, and praying a TON; we knew that baby boy wasn’t meant for us. We knew we wanted to try again ourselves very soon.
(My nephew & I)
But, through family connects I learned of a wonderful couple who had been searching for a baby to adopted for a while, but because they already had children they were basically at the bottom of the adoption lists.
The were neighbors, and close friends with my DH’s uncle.
I remember bring up the couple to Tessa, and at first she was mad at me. She wanted me to adopted so she could see the baby all the time. We talked many times. With Scott being in the Army we would always eventually move. And honestly she knew it would be too hard for her to watch her child grow, and not be the mommy.
So after those talks she finally connected with the couple, and the rest is history.
Today is that baby boys 2nd birthday. He is truly blessed with the family that adopted him. They shower him with so much love, and devotion.
I was looking at pictures from the day he was born. I remember texting my sister waiting for her to tell me he had arrived. Once she did, I raced from my work to meet the little man I wouldn’t really be an aunt to. I knew I had to be there for my sister also. If you knew my sister, you would of known her kids were her everything. She lived and breathed them. It was heartbreaking. Watching my sister hold her son, and yet, have a half empty face. She disconnected from him the moment he arrived. It was sad and brutal to witness.
Eventually though, she did come to terms with her choice. She knew it was for the best, and her little man was truly blessed with the family he had received. It was God’s will.
I didn’t expect today to hit me the way it did though. To know that Tessa & I will never have life altering moments like this again. We will not have each others shoulder to cry/lean on. To know that we can depend on one another in the worse of times. To know that when we crumble into pieces that someone is there who knows you so completely to help you get put back together. No more rushing to a hospital to meet the newest addition to the family that she brought into the world.
Those are hard truths. Once that train of thought hit me, I went and cried in the shower for a good 30 minutes. Even now, typing this up my eyes are blurry, because of the pain I am feeling from the void of her not being alive.
This grief is so powerful, and at times can become so overwhelming. I never want to lose someone so close to me again.
And yet it’s going to happen.
I don’t know what I will do when it happens again.
Does it get easier?
Or is it just more pain piled onto the rest?