Hello, Fall


Today is the official FIRST DAY OF FALL!!!

It is my favorite season, and that’s for many reasons.


Hot Apple Cider!


Pumpkin Spice Lattes! (Starbucks or at home.)



Because I love to layer, and sweaters really are the best.

They keep you so warm, and make you feel all cozy.


There’s nothing like the crispy air that arrives this time of year.

So delightful to lungs that have been struggling through a summer of awfully thick humidity.


Of course Halloween is right around the corner.


That means taking the 20% tax of candy from the kiddos for walking them everywhere door to door (lol).

HappyBirthdayHalloween (1)

Also, my oldest has a birthday right next to Halloween, and

my niece and nephews have birthdays as well.


Having my coffee out on the deck every morning.

While being wrapped up in a warm sweater.


And of course the pure beauty of the world changing all around us.

The most vivid colors!

Worth the wait every year.


I am so angry once again. I feel like this grief is a battle that I will never win. That I should just lay down my sword and give up. I have been trying so hard to actually reach out to God recently. But I feel like I can’t trust him. And it feels as if I keep getting proven right.

Yesterday was the last of the trials for the drunk driver that instantly killed my sister Tessa. The trial considering her death already happened. This one was for the driver, her friend who was with her in her last moments of life. He was banged up a bit. Even received a Compound Fracture on one of his arms.

The judge gave 10 years probation, 60 days in jail, 6 months house arrest,and a wrist monitor(watches for sugar/alcohol levels.)

I am so angry and pissed because that was just for someone who was injured, but not killed. With Tessa’s trail the drunk driver only got 126 days in jail. Is a life worth a damn thing anymore?

I don’t know why this has triggered my grief into a tail spin again, but it has. I am angry at the world, and how unfair and unjust it is. We need stricter laws when it comes to drinking and driving.

On a better note I have finally found a book that soothes my soul. For over a year now I have been looking for a book that is all about dealing with a death of an adult sibling. A lot of books are out there for people who lost: children, fathers, mothers, husbands, wives; but none cater to siblings. It’s almost like this type of loss gets over looked.

Yes, it’s true we both became “adults”, and moved away from one another. We both created our own families. But that doesn’t mean their death doesn’t hit us hard or even hard than other deaths.

My sibling knew me from my first day on this earth. We were 2 1/2 years apart. Our childhood, and teen years had each other in each moment. Getting married, and having babies were moments that we shared. Our experiences were much the same until we “grew-up”. But we were still close and talked everyday. No matter the distance.

My life story, over 95% of it has my sister Tessa in it. How can her loss not change who I am as a person? I am still trying to figure out who I am now. I am different, changed, and it’s shocking.

The book that is helping me is called: “Surviving the Death of an Adult Sibling: Living through grief when an adult brother or sister dies” By: T.J. Wray.

I high recommend it.


Just pray for me please.


I am starting to FREAK OUT. Just a tad…just a smidgen. My oldest, my first baby is starting Kindergarten TOMORROW. Am I going to be one of those crying moms in the classroom? Most likely. Do I care? No, because this is the first time I am truly realizing that “R” is growing, and I can’t stop it. That she will continue to grow up, and be more in control of her life. I am not going to be the director anymore. And it’s a little frightening.

I know what’s out there, and I know how school can be. I know those milestones she’s going to hit. And I now know that they will be coming “sooner rather than later”. It’s like once a child hits school age, time speeds up tremendously.

Think about it. Look back at your school years.


When I look back it feels like I was in Kindergarten, then in a blink I was in middle school. I lay down to sleep, and it’s high school graduation, and beyond. It feels like I rushed right through my adolescent years.

Haircuts & Clothes

So today was suppose to the day to finish off all the school shopping.

To go to Old Navy and buy “R” a bunch of new clothes for school.

And to go get her hair cut the way she wanted.

For a week now “R” has been looking on Google Images with me to see different haircuts and styles.

And two night ago she finally picked “the one”.

We went to the kids hair salon right after waking up for the day.


She had so much fun, and totally loves her new do.

And “Baby A” had fun playing in the salons play area with other kiddos.

And now my long haired big girl looks her age now. :(


Gorgeous, I know!!

So after that was all done we headed to Old Navy.


Just saying.

So most of the clearance stuff was $3 and under. I had our cart

totally over flowing.

And then something happened that has never truly happened before.

“Baby A” is different than her sister in a lot of ways.

She is so laid back and I guess you could say “simple”.

She isn’t “strong-willed” like her sister.

“Baby A” always goes with the flow.

Well not today at that moment.

All of a sudden she threw the biggest tantrum I have ever seen.

Even worse than any of the ones “R” has ever had.

And that’s saying a lot.


I literally had to carry her like a sack of potatoes to the car, because

she kept throwing herself everywhere and screaming and crying.

I even had to leave that cart full of all the goodies we found, because she just wouldn’t

calm down.

Once “Baby A” was in the car she finally calmed down.

I still have no idea why she freaked.


Maybe it was sensory over load.

Sometimes if there’s too much going on around her she will freak, but not like this.

The store was pretty packed with all the back to school shoppers.

It was horrible.

Now we are back at home, and after eating lunch “Baby A” passed out for nap.

This makes me think maybe I should shop online (lol).

I guess we will try again tomorrow.

And luckily DH will be off of work to help out. ;)


Yep, I am actually pretty nervous.

My ODD is starting Kindergarten this month!!


It’s the “real school”.

She will be there for almost 7 hours out of the day.

That is so crazy to me, and a little sad.

From Pre-K last year, I know she will have no problem starting.

She loves school so much.

So that’s good.

But now it will just be me and YDD at home.

I’m excited for the time to be just us two.

But, I am also worried that she is going to be missing her sister.


This weekend we will be going school supply, and clothes shopping.

I have already narrowed down where everything is the cheapest for the supplies.


It’s the clothes I have to be careful with.

If I could I would spend so much money on clothes.

Girls are so easy to blow $300 within 10 minutes on.

Everything is always so cute.

It’s going to be so weird not having ODD at home.

Anyone else freaking out!!??

Random Triggers

A couple of days ago my husband, and our two kiddos decided to go out to eat. I was driving. Eventually we came to a main intersection that is always heavy with traffic.

Well, a really bad accident basically shut down the intersection. I knew not to look, but maybe it’s human nature to want to. Policemen were still trying to get people out of one car that was completely crushed on the passenger side.

It was just one look, just one second…I started to not be able to breath.
Tears were streaming down my face. I had to pull over to the side of the rode while my husband rubbed my back and calmed me down. You see grief is so random. It can hit so hard.

My sister, my best friend was killed by a drunk driver on March 23, 2014. She was riding in the front passenger seat of a friends car when a drunk driver hit them head-on. Only my sisters side was totally destroyed. She died instantly. Her friend , and the drunk driver survived.

This accident that I saw just reminded so much of how the car she was in looked. I felt so raw. Still can’t shake it off. It was like reliving that horrible day over again. I even had nightmares that night.


I feel frozen.

Suspended in time.

Without a way of moving forward.

Am I meant to be here?

Or am I lost?

Floating on a turbulent sea of anger.

And the fear.

The what if’s.

Keeping me up at night.

How short time is.

In a moment gone.

Longing for our connection.

Overloaded with memories.

Can’t get over it.

Why you?

Why not them?


Not able to process.

I can’t stand happiness.

My world is off kilter.

Never to be balanced again.

Heavy heart.

And a heavy mind.

Triggers everywhere.

Every second.

Grief is an ongoing battle.

A war I will never win.

It’s swallowed me whole.

I want to dream.

To see your face.

And hear your voice.

Give me hope.

Someday understanding.

Help me build my walls.

Make me new.


Push me forward.

Slam into me.

Motivate me.

Show me the path.

Light my way.

Hear my cries.

Take this agony.

Carry me as I stumble.