Finished

This will eventually be a sleeve. But, the top half is dedicated to my sister, my best friend; Tessa. Finally finished her half, and it is so beautiful, colorful, and just so vibrant. It completely matches her in my mind.

And all the ideas I had came together thanks to my amazing tattoo artist, Bruce at Evolution Ink. He is amazing, and he knows how to work colors.

I am beyond joyful. I am so thankful to have this completed before the 1 year anniversary date of her death.

This tattoo has helped me with my grief in ways I never imagined. I feel like the heavy burden of it has eased off a bit.

After I get the bottom half finished then we will touch it all up again.

I am so happy with it. :)

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The Death You Die, When They Do.

Thanks to my oldest sister for finding this. I haven’t really met someone who completely understands what I am going through, and why I am the way I am now. Maybe it’s because I am young, and it’s rare for someone my age to of lost someone they have know 24 years of their 25 year life. Especially losing a family member- a sister. My best friend.

What this man wrote made me cry. This is all so true. Once Tessa was killed; a huge chunk of my soul died with her. No one knew me like she did. No one. And that person I was is now with her.

I am having trouble liking the new me. I am harsher, and so angry.

Please read this. So much truth in it. It needs to be spread.

“If you haven’t walked the Grief Valley yet, just trust me on this.

One day you will miss someone dearly, and when that cold reality hits you; the truth of just how much of you is gone too, you’ll grieve the loss of yourself as well, even as you live.”

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/02/17/the-death-you-die-when-they-do-another-lesson-in-the-grief-valley/

Dear Agony.

I feel like I have had this song on repeat for days. It completely describes my grief currently. The heavy oppressive weight that never seems to lighten. No matter how much you beg.

“Dear Agony”

I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven’s arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Don’t bury me
Faceless enemy
I’m so sorry
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I’m blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There’s nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Don’t bury me
Faceless enemy
I’m so sorry
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Started the Sleeve

So yesterday my tattoo artist and I started the sleeve.

Since I only had a couple of hours because something came up that I couldn’t ignore; we decided to just do the top half (Tessa’s Remembrance Tattoo).

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get it completely finished, because I have super sensitive skin. So eventually after 3 hours my skin was too inflamed for the needle to penetrate. So we had to stop, but we are starting up again in the third week of March.

I love my tattoo artist Bruce at Evolution Ink. He is very talented. Bruce chose the colors, and I love how everything seriously pops out at you, and is so vibrant. I can’t wait for it to be finished. It’s going to be so gorgeous. I know Tessa would of loved it.

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Yeah, my arm was pretty swollen by the time we had to stop haha.

Lost & Betrayed

It’s that feeling.

 Never fully gone.

This blackness is spreading, and creeping.

I can feel it curling around my heart, and soul.

Making me bitter, and keeping me angry.

I can feel the the rope tightening.

Cutting off all I need to keep going.

Leaving a path of burning pain.

It’s crippling.

I am not who I once was.

I never will be again.

As days pass,

I still can’t see the silver lining.

It is just bleak darkness surrounding me.

My rage hasn’t moved on.

It’s still settled comfortably on my chest.

While I struggle with the weight.

Feeling betrayed.

Lost.

Hopeless.

cthompson1

Big News!!

I am excited to tell you that next Sunday I am finishing my family sleeve (tattoo). I know that may not seem like big news to some, but for me it is. The day my sister Tessa was killed last year is fast approaching, and I promised myself & her that I would have her tattoo finished by then. And I am so happy to say that I found the perfect tattoo artist to make my vision come true. In a way it’s a process in my grief. A lot of different designs are going into this sleeve. One of them makes me cry just thinking about it.

My sister had a daughter who died at 3 months old, because of SIDS. After that daughters death she got a tattoo in Latin that means, “End of life, not love.” One of the parts of my sleeve will have that worked into it. Honestly, I don’t believe in getting matching tattoos. But, this is different. She died, and it’s kind of a way for me to be connected to her even if it is only “skin deep”, but for me it’s much deeper than that.

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Also, since it’s my family sleeve I am adding our youngest daughters footprint (finally!).

This sleeve is going to be so beautiful, and help me so much. Tattoos are one of my many ways I express myself. I can’t draw (though I wish I could). But, to have someone create something from a vision/idea I have, and have it placed on my skin for the world to witness is so empowering for me.

This past week I have been going through so much grief. That day seems to be getting closer, and closer. And I honestly feel like I am not ready for it. I don’t think I will ever be.

What made it harder this past week was the letters I got from the intoxicated driver who killed my sister instantly, and his mother. Their letters were asking for forgiveness, and at the same time begging for leniency. Those letters instantly pissed me off. And the fact that they said it was meant to happen, and God created the situation. I wanted to scream, “No, you created it by choosing to drive your friends truck completely wasted. God gave free will, and you chose to be an idiot, and killed someone.”

I am still mad at God. I still feel like I can’t trust him.

The fact that someone else’s free will can do such horrible things drives me crazy. Yes, I know there are instances all over the world of someone else’s free will fucking over someone else. But trust me when I say, it’s a whole lot different when you lose someone you have know your whole life, your best friend, a sister. You feel anger in a way you have never felt before. It’s rage at the unfairness, the injustice, the what if’s, and the what could have been.

Love or Love to HATE

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Express Yourself.

I personally think this whole “deflate gate” stuff is complete bullshit.

The Patriots are a team that you either love, or LOVE TO HATE.

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Don’t worry about me.

For the past 10 days I have been wearing my Gronk t-shirt in show of support.

And I will continue wearing it til after the Super Bowl.

(I wash it in the morning lol.)

Yep, people have tried to start conversations with me about them.

And if they are negative I ask them to give me evidence that is undeniable.

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Guess what?

No one can.

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The fact is the COLTS sucked ass that game.

They played horribly.

And the PATS brought their A game and kicked ass.

You just love to hate us.

Just admit it.

Always a PATRIOTS fan.