Tomorrow

I am starting to FREAK OUT. Just a tad…just a smidgen. My oldest, my first baby is starting Kindergarten TOMORROW. Am I going to be one of those crying moms in the classroom? Most likely. Do I care? No, because this is the first time I am truly realizing that “R” is growing, and I can’t stop it. That she will continue to grow up, and be more in control of her life. I am not going to be the director anymore. And it’s a little frightening.

I know what’s out there, and I know how school can be. I know those milestones she’s going to hit. And I now know that they will be coming “sooner rather than later”. It’s like once a child hits school age, time speeds up tremendously.

Think about it. Look back at your school years.

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When I look back it feels like I was in Kindergarten, then in a blink I was in middle school. I lay down to sleep, and it’s high school graduation, and beyond. It feels like I rushed right through my adolescent years.

Haircuts & Clothes

So today was suppose to the day to finish off all the school shopping.

To go to Old Navy and buy “R” a bunch of new clothes for school.

And to go get her hair cut the way she wanted.

For a week now “R” has been looking on Google Images with me to see different haircuts and styles.

And two night ago she finally picked “the one”.

We went to the kids hair salon right after waking up for the day.

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She had so much fun, and totally loves her new do.

And “Baby A” had fun playing in the salons play area with other kiddos.

And now my long haired big girl looks her age now. :(

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Gorgeous, I know!!

So after that was all done we headed to Old Navy.

I LOVE OLD NAVY.

Just saying.

So most of the clearance stuff was $3 and under. I had our cart

totally over flowing.

And then something happened that has never truly happened before.

“Baby A” is different than her sister in a lot of ways.

She is so laid back and I guess you could say “simple”.

She isn’t “strong-willed” like her sister.

“Baby A” always goes with the flow.

Well not today at that moment.

All of a sudden she threw the biggest tantrum I have ever seen.

Even worse than any of the ones “R” has ever had.

And that’s saying a lot.

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I literally had to carry her like a sack of potatoes to the car, because

she kept throwing herself everywhere and screaming and crying.

I even had to leave that cart full of all the goodies we found, because she just wouldn’t

calm down.

Once “Baby A” was in the car she finally calmed down.

I still have no idea why she freaked.

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Maybe it was sensory over load.

Sometimes if there’s too much going on around her she will freak, but not like this.

The store was pretty packed with all the back to school shoppers.

It was horrible.

Now we are back at home, and after eating lunch “Baby A” passed out for nap.

This makes me think maybe I should shop online (lol).

I guess we will try again tomorrow.

And luckily DH will be off of work to help out. ;)

Nervous

Yep, I am actually pretty nervous.

My ODD is starting Kindergarten this month!!

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It’s the “real school”.

She will be there for almost 7 hours out of the day.

That is so crazy to me, and a little sad.

From Pre-K last year, I know she will have no problem starting.

She loves school so much.

So that’s good.

But now it will just be me and YDD at home.

I’m excited for the time to be just us two.

But, I am also worried that she is going to be missing her sister.

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This weekend we will be going school supply, and clothes shopping.

I have already narrowed down where everything is the cheapest for the supplies.

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It’s the clothes I have to be careful with.

If I could I would spend so much money on clothes.

Girls are so easy to blow $300 within 10 minutes on.

Everything is always so cute.

It’s going to be so weird not having ODD at home.

Anyone else freaking out!!??

Random Triggers

A couple of days ago my husband, and our two kiddos decided to go out to eat. I was driving. Eventually we came to a main intersection that is always heavy with traffic.

Well, a really bad accident basically shut down the intersection. I knew not to look, but maybe it’s human nature to want to. Policemen were still trying to get people out of one car that was completely crushed on the passenger side.

It was just one look, just one second…I started to not be able to breath.
Tears were streaming down my face. I had to pull over to the side of the rode while my husband rubbed my back and calmed me down. You see grief is so random. It can hit so hard.

My sister, my best friend was killed by a drunk driver on March 23, 2014. She was riding in the front passenger seat of a friends car when a drunk driver hit them head-on. Only my sisters side was totally destroyed. She died instantly. Her friend , and the drunk driver survived.

This accident that I saw just reminded so much of how the car she was in looked. I felt so raw. Still can’t shake it off. It was like reliving that horrible day over again. I even had nightmares that night.

Stumble

I feel frozen.

Suspended in time.

Without a way of moving forward.

Am I meant to be here?

Or am I lost?

Floating on a turbulent sea of anger.

And the fear.

The what if’s.

Keeping me up at night.

How short time is.

In a moment gone.

Longing for our connection.

Overloaded with memories.

Can’t get over it.

Why you?

Why not them?

Injustice.

Not able to process.

I can’t stand happiness.

My world is off kilter.

Never to be balanced again.

Heavy heart.

And a heavy mind.

Triggers everywhere.

Every second.

Grief is an ongoing battle.

A war I will never win.

It’s swallowed me whole.

I want to dream.

To see your face.

And hear your voice.

Give me hope.

Someday understanding.

Help me build my walls.

Make me new.

Stronger.

Push me forward.

Slam into me.

Motivate me.

Show me the path.

Light my way.

Hear my cries.

Take this agony.

Carry me as I stumble.

Number 3

So recently DH & I have been talking about TTC #3.

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Between our DD’s right now is 4 years, and for the next kiddo we wanted the age gap to be smaller. I am very excited, but also a little sad. Because, number 3 will be our last. At least that is the agreement we have always had.

The transition from none to 1 was VERY HARD.

The transition from 1 to 2 was so FREAKIN’ EASY!

I am wondering if 2 to 3 will be a breeze (lol).

We are also “going to the dark side”. We have been shopping around for a vehicle for me since I am the one with the “family SUV”. DH is the one with a sports car. We have decided to get a 2014 OR 2015 Honda Odyssey.

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Yes, the “dark side”; a MINIVAN!

Is it weird that it makes me think we are “officially” older adults, because of it? (haha)

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I have talked to ODD, and she has requested a baby brother. :)

We shall see kiddo, third times a charm right?

Another Year

My birthday is fast approaching. I celebrate my birth on July 4th! When I was a little kid my mom always said the fireworks were for me. And even now I still look at them that way. In those “rose-tinted glasses”.

I love fireworks, and I love me so it’s perfect really.

My little family is planning on going to a good friends house who is having a big 4th of July party. There will be a water slide/bounce house, and slip-n-slides. FOOD everywhere. Deliciousness.

I am excited for my next year of life, but I am also sadden & depressed. It will be the second birthday that my sister Tessa is not there. Not even there through a phone call to sing me the Happy Birthday Song all goofy and silly as was our tradition.

I had her beside me from the moment I was born.

And as each day, week, month, and year passes; the loss doesn’t heal. So much of my “life story” was written with her as my sister, my best friend, my right hand.

I find myself thinking why did I get blessed with more years, but hers were cut short?

My grief is still strong. It’s a battle everyday. But, the world moves on even if you are “paused”.

Please, during this 4TH of July have a DD, a taxi, or use the APP UBER. I have used it many times, and have never had any problems. It’s not just your life, but those around you that could be hurt because of your choices.