2014 is a year I will NEVER forget.
A lot happened this year.
The DH turning 30, returning from deployment, meeting his new baby girl, and being promoted.
Our DD’s turning 1 & 5.
And me finally turning 25.
We PCS’d for the 2nd time in a year and a half.
Made new friends that are a blast.
Even all the good can’t cover up, that it was the worst year of my whole life so far.
The year started out so promising, and then it kind of fell apart into a bunch of crumbly pieces of shit.
Depression has a strong hold on me that I am fighting everyday.
I gained new fears that I never had before.
And my faith became tarnished and worn.
I lost trust in my God, and I thought that could never happen.
I know I have failed his ‘tests’ time and again this year.
And in a way I don’t give a fuck.
(But deep down I do.)
I have never been afraid of death, and now I am terrified.
I learned this year that everything I have, could be gone in just one moment.
One second, one decision, and that decision doesn’t even have to be mine.
I miss my best friend, my sister so much.
That one family member that understood my secrets, and my past.
The one who I connected with on a level I never will again with anyone else.
I lost a huge chunk of my heart, and soul.
A loss like that changes you.
Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful for my little family.
For my husband, and our kiddos.
But, my world has become less optimistic since she was taken out of it.
For 2015 I hope to persevere against this maddening grief.
To find my way back to God.
Have that trust back, that I feel like he snatched away from me.
To be wild every now and again.
To see things that Tessa dreamed of, but will never fulfill.
Mostly, to have that peace I once had before shit hit the fan, and my world was crashed into a darkness that is hard to escape from.