I know it’s been awhile, and that’s okay. I have been working on my grief, and FINDING A HOUSE. Yep, that’s right we are moving off post out into the country.
Right now we are going through the final stages of paperwork for a home. Before we found “the” home; I seriously looked at over 20 homes. My brain was feeling so fried, and I felt like we would never find it.
My hubby has been so busy with his unit lately that I have been the one to do it all. But hey, that’s part of being an army wife. You are very independent, and to me that’s a great thing. My husband trusts my judgments, and basically told me to find one.
Two days ago I was really excited. That morning I was to go view a beautiful home in a quiet neighborhood, and in “the” school district we are trying to get into. It has been hard trying to get a home in the zone of this school. The home would post online, and next day someone already got it.
The drive there was gorgeous! Beautiful country roads winding around, farms all around you, that scent in the air that only the country can give you; so clean and fresh.
I was so happy in that moment, and then I started to cry.
The drive reminded me so much of the drive to my sister Tessa’s house in Texas. My sister loved the country, and her horses. She loved shooting her guns, and riding around with her hair undone.
When we finally got to the house I just sat there with the car running drying up my eyes. I felt such peace even while grieving. In a sense I felt like God was telling me, “this is the one”.
I was skeptical though. My walk with God has been almost non-existent since my sister was killed. I have been angry (still am) at God. I am finally starting to work on that. I am getting the help I need to process it all.
In the back of my mind I know the truth of God, but right now I feel content to be pissed off at him. I trust him, but I don’t at the same time.
I still pray with my kiddos, and teach them about Jesus. But, my own personally relationship with him is in tatters.
I have only been to church twice since Tessa was killed over a year ago. People are so happy and bubbly there, and the songs just don’t make sense or lift me up anymore. I want to see if they have ever sudden lost a huge part of their heart, and soul. One minute it was there, and the next gone. In my own sad twisted way I believe most people would be where I am now in my journey with God if they did have my kind of experience.
Once we got out of the SUV, we toured the home. It was so nice, and had everything on our list of “must have”. Like with every home I had tour I closed my eyes, and thought, “Would I feel perfectly safe her if Scott deployed again? On my own with our two little girls?”
And I could honestly answer yes. It was the first time after 20 plus homes that I could say yes.
So now just waiting on the paperwork process to finish. And the first week of June we will be in our new home! It feels like a “fresh start”, and I am hungry for that.