Active Army Wife

"That which we gain too cheap, we value too lightly." – Thomas Paine


I feel frozen.

Suspended in time.

Without a way of moving forward.

Am I meant to be here?

Or am I lost?

Floating on a turbulent sea of anger.

And the fear.

The what if’s.

Keeping me up at night.

How short time is.

In a moment gone.

Longing for our connection.

Overloaded with memories.

Can’t get over it.

Why you?

Why not them?


Not able to process.

I can’t stand happiness.

My world is off kilter.

Never to be balanced again.

Heavy heart.

And a heavy mind.

Triggers everywhere.

Every second.

Grief is an ongoing battle.

A war I will never win.

It’s swallowed me whole.

I want to dream.

To see your face.

And hear your voice.

Give me hope.

Someday understanding.

Help me build my walls.

Make me new.


Push me forward.

Slam into me.

Motivate me.

Show me the path.

Light my way.

Hear my cries.

Take this agony.

Carry me as I stumble.

Number 3

So recently DH & I have been talking about TTC #3.


Between our DD’s right now is 4 years, and for the next kiddo we wanted the age gap to be smaller. I am very excited, but also a little sad. Because, number 3 will be our last. At least that is the agreement we have always had.

The transition from none to 1 was VERY HARD.

The transition from 1 to 2 was so FREAKIN’ EASY!

I am wondering if 2 to 3 will be a breeze (lol).

We are also “going to the dark side”. We have been shopping around for a vehicle for me since I am the one with the “family SUV”. DH is the one with a sports car. We have decided to get a 2014 OR 2015 Honda Odyssey.


Yes, the “dark side”; a MINIVAN!

Is it weird that it makes me think we are “officially” older adults, because of it? (haha)


I have talked to ODD, and she has requested a baby brother. :)

We shall see kiddo, third times a charm right?

Another Year

My birthday is fast approaching. I celebrate my birth on July 4th! When I was a little kid my mom always said the fireworks were for me. And even now I still look at them that way. In those “rose-tinted glasses”.

I love fireworks, and I love me so it’s perfect really.

My little family is planning on going to a good friends house who is having a big 4th of July party. There will be a water slide/bounce house, and slip-n-slides. FOOD everywhere. Deliciousness.

I am excited for my next year of life, but I am also sadden & depressed. It will be the second birthday that my sister Tessa is not there. Not even there through a phone call to sing me the Happy Birthday Song all goofy and silly as was our tradition.

I had her beside me from the moment I was born.

And as each day, week, month, and year passes; the loss doesn’t heal. So much of my “life story” was written with her as my sister, my best friend, my right hand.

I find myself thinking why did I get blessed with more years, but hers were cut short?

My grief is still strong. It’s a battle everyday. But, the world moves on even if you are “paused”.

Please, during this 4TH of July have a DD, a taxi, or use the APP UBER. I have used it many times, and have never had any problems. It’s not just your life, but those around you that could be hurt because of your choices.


I believe in the Bible.

I believe in Jesus.

I believe in man & woman.

I know what is sin.

Also, I believe in Equality.

I believe in being non-judgmental.

I believe in human rights.

I have read the Bill of Rights.

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

I have read the Declaration of Independence.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal

I do believe in Separation of Church & State.

How can some Christians try to force someone to believe what they believe?

This is the United States of America. We are aloud to follow or not follow whatever religion we choose.

Do you really think yelling, judging someone, shunning someone, etc. is really showing them God’s love? Because that’s all that truly matters. Can a “gay” person look at you and by your actions & words see Jesus’ love flowing through you?

For someone who believes in the Bible. And because of how I was raised, I do see marriage as man & woman. But that is my own BELIEF. Not everyone believes that.

How about we worry about our own homes first. Sin is sin. It’s all equal. And no one is perfect. You can still practice your faith, and show love to everyone no matter their choices they make in life. Didn’t Jesus choose to love you, and die for you even though you are a sinner?

You’d be amazed at how some family & friends have reacted to me coming “out of my closet” on how I truly, deeply feel about this subject.

I feel at peace with how I view it all.


There’s no Bible verse you can throw at me that I haven’t read. There’s nothing that you can do or say to change my mind. I know my Bible thanks to how I was raised.

And I also know the love of Jesus Christ.

One thing is really standing out from his own words:

The Greatest Commandment

28 One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[e] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[f] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[g] There is no commandment greater than these.”

As I read these verses I think of reversing roles. How would I feel if people were treating me, and judging me like so many in the “gay” community have been victims of? I would probably never what to step foot in a church. Or anytime someone said, “I’m a Christian.”; I might run away as fast as I can.


“Your beliefs are yours. No one has the right to force you into their beliefs, just as you have no right to force another into yours. The SCOTUS ruling is not about homosexuality. It is about equal rights. These individuals are Americans. They are Human Beings. As a result, they are entitled to the same freedoms as every single other American human being in this great county. Denying them ANY right is blatant discrimination and is not to be tolerated. This is not about religion. This is about freedom. You don’t have to agree or like or celebrate their choices and needs. You just can’t stand in the way of their CONSTITUTIONAL right for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. This is the bottom line.” -from someone who put it perfectly. I agree 100%.


The state of being equal.

As a bible believing person; many might be surprised by my view point/opinion on the recently ruled issue of same-sex marriage in the United States.

I was raised in church, and even into my own “adulthood” I continued, and believed in the church. Recently, yes I have issues with it, but that’s all connected to my grief.

I was raised with man, and woman as husband and wife. And I still believe that for me.

The thing is not everyone has the same beliefs and/or convictions. Some were raised with God in their homes others weren’t. We are all so different.

I was also taught not to judge. I really do try not to. But, sometimes I fail.

Who am I to judge someone wanting to be legal; an equal to their peers? Who am I to judge someone who loves someone of the same sex?

In my beliefs I was taught that God gave us “free-will”. The power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one’s own discretion.

Everyday we have choices to make. It’s up to us.

So for me I am happy about this turn of events, because people are being treated as equals instead of looked down upon or judged harshly.


I have close friends that have called me crying today, because of the pure joy they’re feeling.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel to be repressed by other people’s beliefs? How would you feel if you couldn’t marry the love of your life?

Knowing me I would fight til’ it happened.

2015-06-26 12.49.24

I don’t know if I expressed myself completely in a way you could understand my point of view. I hope I did.

Took Me With You

With moving into the new house, and being so freaking busy; it’s been impossible to get online recently. Also, Baby A was seriously sick with a horrible stomach virus. It was pretty rough for like a week, but today she seems a little bit better.

I can feel my depression wrapping its hands around my throat so I know it’s time to write.

On June 11 the sentencing finally happened for the drunk driver who instantly killed my sister Tessa On March 23, 2014.

I don’t agree with what he got. I am shock that our system is so fucked up and so light when it comes to someone taking a life.

1) Hector Soto will plead guilty on June 11th
2) DUI probation for 10 years
3) interlock for vehicle
4) ankle monitor bracelet
5) new intense TX alcohol treatment program
6) additional jail time of a hundred and twenty days from guilty plea date June 11th . No credit for jail time passed
7 ) weekend jail lock up ( Friday- Sunday ) the anniversary of Tessa death for duration of probation, 10 years

I know a lot of people may think it’s a lot, but trust me when I tell you when/if this happens to you, you’ll want the person in jail a hell of a lot longer than one year, and 120 days.

After everything was final I just felt like I couldn’t breath. Over, and over again I can hear my inner voice saying, “It’s not enough, it’s not enough.”

When you lose someone instantly, and all because of someone else’s life choices you become angry. And slowly it morphs into depression. At least for me.

I miss Tessa every second that I am on this Earth, and she is not. She was truly my best friend. I lost my sister and my confidant.

When my marriage was getting rocky I use to call her, and she would let me vent and talk for hours.

Or if something was going on with the kids she was there.

If work was driving me insane she was there.

Tessa was my shoulder.

I lost all of that, and now I just feel like I’m bottling up so much, and I’m about to explode or sink deeper. All because I don’t have my “person” anymore.


A part of my heart and soul has been stripped away, and no one or thing can replace her.

This grief is interfering with so much in my life.

Even some close family & friends don’t understand it. And at times it feels like they get annoyed that I haven’t “gotten over it” or “moved on”.

But that’s the thing. That’s the lie everyone feeds you.

There’s no such thing as moving on or getting over it. EVER. When it’s someone who was so connected to you.

You just continue to live, because you have to. And the world keeps spinning even though you feel as if your world is on pause.


Already, over a year has past since Tessa was killed. The first year of my entire life I didn’t have her by my side. I have had her since the day I was born. That kind of lost is damaging to your very being.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I know what I feel: anger, depression, hopeless….etc.


I still can’t step foot into a church. I get so annoyed and pissed off at all the happy people. I just want to scream, “Has God truly taken something that means the world to you?” “Has he let that happened?” It’s a true test in your faith. And I have failed that test. I just don’t understand it all. She had 3 beautiful kids all 7 and under at the time, and a husband without a job. She was their world. I just can’t compute what God was thinking.

Maybe one day I’ll get that understanding, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a while.

19 Things Only Women With A Low Maintenance Fashion Sense Understand



Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Drinking BuddiesDrinking Buddies

1. You have three hairstyles: down, ponytail, and bun.

2. You have one pair of shoes that you wear with 95% of your wardrobe.

3. Most of your outfits are just some combination of t-shirts and jeans.

4. This makes getting ready massively easy. What are you going to wear? Throw on the first pair of jeans and t-shirt you can find. Put on aforementioned shoes. Boom. Done.

5. Sundresses are also great because they look like you put more effort into getting ready, but you definitely didn’t.

6. You have to be very clear with your hairstylist that you need a cut that’s easy to maintain, because you’re not about that life. Your idea of styling your hair is making sure the part is nice, and if you’re feeling fancy, throwing a clip or headband up there.

7. You find make up a little terrifying. You understand…

View original 421 more words


I am excited to say that I got the call yesterday. We have been approved for THE HOUSE!!

I am so beyond excited. I can’t wait for “R” to start school this up and coming school year. The elementary school that we will be living by is seriously the best!!

Unfortunately, my impatience butt has to wait a week before we can finish the official paperwork, because the DH is out in the field for a week.

YAY!!! :)

Something New

Hi y’all.

I know it’s been awhile, and that’s okay. I have been working on my grief, and FINDING A HOUSE. Yep, that’s right we are moving off post out into the country.

Right now we are going through the final stages of paperwork for a home. Before we found “the” home; I seriously looked at over 20 homes. My brain was feeling so fried, and I felt like we would never find it.

My hubby has been so busy with his unit lately that I have been the one to do it all. But hey, that’s part of being an army wife. You are very independent, and to me that’s a great thing. My husband trusts my judgments, and basically told me to find one.

Two days ago I was really excited. That morning I was to go view a beautiful home in a quiet neighborhood, and in “the” school district we are trying to get into. It has been hard trying to get a home in the zone of this school. The home would post online, and next day someone already got it.

The drive there was gorgeous! Beautiful country roads winding around, farms all around you, that scent in the air that only the country can give you; so clean and fresh.

I was so happy in that moment, and then I started to cry.

The drive reminded me so much of the drive to my sister Tessa’s house in Texas. My sister loved the country, and her horses. She loved shooting her guns, and riding around with her hair undone.

When we finally got to the house I just sat there with the car running drying up my eyes. I felt such peace even while grieving. In a sense I felt like God was telling me, “this is the one”.

I was skeptical though. My walk with God has been almost non-existent since my sister was killed. I have been angry (still am) at God. I am finally starting to work on that. I am getting the help I need to process it all.

In the back of my mind I know the truth of God, but right now I feel content to be pissed off at him. I trust him, but I don’t at the same time.

I still pray with my kiddos, and teach them about Jesus. But, my own personally relationship with him is in tatters.

I have only been to church twice since Tessa was killed over a year ago. People are so happy and bubbly there, and the songs just don’t make sense or lift me up anymore. I want to see if they have ever sudden lost a huge part of their heart, and soul. One minute it was there, and the next gone. In my own sad twisted way I believe most people would be where I am now in my journey with God if they did have my kind of experience.

Once we got out of the SUV, we toured the home. It was so nice, and had everything on our list of “must have”. Like with every home I had tour I closed my eyes, and thought, “Would I feel perfectly safe her if Scott deployed again? On my own with our two little girls?”

And I could honestly answer yes. It was the first time after 20 plus homes that I could say yes.

So now just waiting on the paperwork process to finish. And the first week of June we will be in our new home! It feels like a “fresh start”, and I am hungry for that.

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