I am excited to tell you that next Sunday I am finishing my family sleeve (tattoo). I know that may not seem like big news to some, but for me it is. The day my sister Tessa was killed last year is fast approaching, and I promised myself & her that I would have her tattoo finished by then. And I am so happy to say that I found the perfect tattoo artist to make my vision come true. In a way it’s a process in my grief. A lot of different designs are going into this sleeve. One of them makes me cry just thinking about it.
My sister had a daughter who died at 3 months old, because of SIDS. After that daughters death she got a tattoo in Latin that means, “End of life, not love.” One of the parts of my sleeve will have that worked into it. Honestly, I don’t believe in getting matching tattoos. But, this is different. She died, and it’s kind of a way for me to be connected to her even if it is only “skin deep”, but for me it’s much deeper than that.
Also, since it’s my family sleeve I am adding our youngest daughters footprint (finally!).
This sleeve is going to be so beautiful, and help me so much. Tattoos are one of my many ways I express myself. I can’t draw (though I wish I could). But, to have someone create something from a vision/idea I have, and have it placed on my skin for the world to witness is so empowering for me.
This past week I have been going through so much grief. That day seems to be getting closer, and closer. And I honestly feel like I am not ready for it. I don’t think I will ever be.
What made it harder this past week was the letters I got from the intoxicated driver who killed my sister instantly, and his mother. Their letters were asking for forgiveness, and at the same time begging for leniency. Those letters instantly pissed me off. And the fact that they said it was meant to happen, and God created the situation. I wanted to scream, “No, you created it by choosing to drive your friends truck completely wasted. God gave free will, and you chose to be an idiot, and killed someone.”
I am still mad at God. I still feel like I can’t trust him.
The fact that someone else’s free will can do such horrible things drives me crazy. Yes, I know there are instances all over the world of someone else’s free will fucking over someone else. But trust me when I say, it’s a whole lot different when you lose someone you have know your whole life, your best friend, a sister. You feel anger in a way you have never felt before. It’s rage at the unfairness, the injustice, the what if’s, and the what could have been.