Approved!

I am excited to say that I got the call yesterday. We have been approved for THE HOUSE!!

I am so beyond excited. I can’t wait for “R” to start school this up and coming school year. The elementary school that we will be living by is seriously the best!!

Unfortunately, my impatience butt has to wait a week before we can finish the official paperwork, because the DH is out in the field for a week.

YAY!!! :)

Something New

Hi y’all.

I know it’s been awhile, and that’s okay. I have been working on my grief, and FINDING A HOUSE. Yep, that’s right we are moving off post out into the country.

Right now we are going through the final stages of paperwork for a home. Before we found “the” home; I seriously looked at over 20 homes. My brain was feeling so fried, and I felt like we would never find it.

My hubby has been so busy with his unit lately that I have been the one to do it all. But hey, that’s part of being an army wife. You are very independent, and to me that’s a great thing. My husband trusts my judgments, and basically told me to find one.

Two days ago I was really excited. That morning I was to go view a beautiful home in a quiet neighborhood, and in “the” school district we are trying to get into. It has been hard trying to get a home in the zone of this school. The home would post online, and next day someone already got it.

The drive there was gorgeous! Beautiful country roads winding around, farms all around you, that scent in the air that only the country can give you; so clean and fresh.

I was so happy in that moment, and then I started to cry.

The drive reminded me so much of the drive to my sister Tessa’s house in Texas. My sister loved the country, and her horses. She loved shooting her guns, and riding around with her hair undone.

When we finally got to the house I just sat there with the car running drying up my eyes. I felt such peace even while grieving. In a sense I felt like God was telling me, “this is the one”.

I was skeptical though. My walk with God has been almost non-existent since my sister was killed. I have been angry (still am) at God. I am finally starting to work on that. I am getting the help I need to process it all.

In the back of my mind I know the truth of God, but right now I feel content to be pissed off at him. I trust him, but I don’t at the same time.

I still pray with my kiddos, and teach them about Jesus. But, my own personally relationship with him is in tatters.

I have only been to church twice since Tessa was killed over a year ago. People are so happy and bubbly there, and the songs just don’t make sense or lift me up anymore. I want to see if they have ever sudden lost a huge part of their heart, and soul. One minute it was there, and the next gone. In my own sad twisted way I believe most people would be where I am now in my journey with God if they did have my kind of experience.

Once we got out of the SUV, we toured the home. It was so nice, and had everything on our list of “must have”. Like with every home I had tour I closed my eyes, and thought, “Would I feel perfectly safe her if Scott deployed again? On my own with our two little girls?”

And I could honestly answer yes. It was the first time after 20 plus homes that I could say yes.

So now just waiting on the paperwork process to finish. And the first week of June we will be in our new home! It feels like a “fresh start”, and I am hungry for that.

Finished

This will eventually be a sleeve. But, the top half is dedicated to my sister, my best friend; Tessa. Finally finished her half, and it is so beautiful, colorful, and just so vibrant. It completely matches her in my mind.

And all the ideas I had came together thanks to my amazing tattoo artist, Bruce at Evolution Ink. He is amazing, and he knows how to work colors.

I am beyond joyful. I am so thankful to have this completed before the 1 year anniversary date of her death.

This tattoo has helped me with my grief in ways I never imagined. I feel like the heavy burden of it has eased off a bit.

After I get the bottom half finished then we will touch it all up again.

I am so happy with it. :)

tat1 tat2

The Death You Die, When They Do.

Thanks to my oldest sister for finding this. I haven’t really met someone who completely understands what I am going through, and why I am the way I am now. Maybe it’s because I am young, and it’s rare for someone my age to of lost someone they have know 24 years of their 25 year life. Especially losing a family member- a sister. My best friend.

What this man wrote made me cry. This is all so true. Once Tessa was killed; a huge chunk of my soul died with her. No one knew me like she did. No one. And that person I was is now with her.

I am having trouble liking the new me. I am harsher, and so angry.

Please read this. So much truth in it. It needs to be spread.

“If you haven’t walked the Grief Valley yet, just trust me on this.

One day you will miss someone dearly, and when that cold reality hits you; the truth of just how much of you is gone too, you’ll grieve the loss of yourself as well, even as you live.”

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/02/17/the-death-you-die-when-they-do-another-lesson-in-the-grief-valley/

Dear Agony.

I feel like I have had this song on repeat for days. It completely describes my grief currently. The heavy oppressive weight that never seems to lighten. No matter how much you beg.

“Dear Agony”

I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven’s arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Don’t bury me
Faceless enemy
I’m so sorry
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I’m blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There’s nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Don’t bury me
Faceless enemy
I’m so sorry
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Started the Sleeve

So yesterday my tattoo artist and I started the sleeve.

Since I only had a couple of hours because something came up that I couldn’t ignore; we decided to just do the top half (Tessa’s Remembrance Tattoo).

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get it completely finished, because I have super sensitive skin. So eventually after 3 hours my skin was too inflamed for the needle to penetrate. So we had to stop, but we are starting up again in the third week of March.

I love my tattoo artist Bruce at Evolution Ink. He is very talented. Bruce chose the colors, and I love how everything seriously pops out at you, and is so vibrant. I can’t wait for it to be finished. It’s going to be so gorgeous. I know Tessa would of loved it.

2015-01-25 14.25.14 20150222_13491320150222_1417341010151_1021784221170772_309877905252394278_n 10402419_1021784241170770_685268524072995378_n 10993412_1021784307837430_7125458354446703885_n

Yeah, my arm was pretty swollen by the time we had to stop haha.

Lost & Betrayed

It’s that feeling.

 Never fully gone.

This blackness is spreading, and creeping.

I can feel it curling around my heart, and soul.

Making me bitter, and keeping me angry.

I can feel the the rope tightening.

Cutting off all I need to keep going.

Leaving a path of burning pain.

It’s crippling.

I am not who I once was.

I never will be again.

As days pass,

I still can’t see the silver lining.

It is just bleak darkness surrounding me.

My rage hasn’t moved on.

It’s still settled comfortably on my chest.

While I struggle with the weight.

Feeling betrayed.

Lost.

Hopeless.

cthompson1