Started the Sleeve

So yesterday my tattoo artist and I started the sleeve.

Since I only had a couple of hours because something came up that I couldn’t ignore; we decided to just do the top half (Tessa’s Remembrance Tattoo).

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get it completely finished, because I have super sensitive skin. So eventually after 3 hours my skin was too inflamed for the needle to penetrate. So we had to stop, but we are starting up again in the third week of March.

I love my tattoo artist Bruce at Evolution Ink. He is very talented. Bruce chose the colors, and I love how everything seriously pops out at you, and is so vibrant. I can’t wait for it to be finished. It’s going to be so gorgeous. I know Tessa would of loved it.

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Yeah, my arm was pretty swollen by the time we had to stop haha.

Lost & Betrayed

It’s that feeling.

 Never fully gone.

This blackness is spreading, and creeping.

I can feel it curling around my heart, and soul.

Making me bitter, and keeping me angry.

I can feel the the rope tightening.

Cutting off all I need to keep going.

Leaving a path of burning pain.

It’s crippling.

I am not who I once was.

I never will be again.

As days pass,

I still can’t see the silver lining.

It is just bleak darkness surrounding me.

My rage hasn’t moved on.

It’s still settled comfortably on my chest.

While I struggle with the weight.

Feeling betrayed.

Lost.

Hopeless.

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Big News!!

I am excited to tell you that next Sunday I am finishing my family sleeve (tattoo). I know that may not seem like big news to some, but for me it is. The day my sister Tessa was killed last year is fast approaching, and I promised myself & her that I would have her tattoo finished by then. And I am so happy to say that I found the perfect tattoo artist to make my vision come true. In a way it’s a process in my grief. A lot of different designs are going into this sleeve. One of them makes me cry just thinking about it.

My sister had a daughter who died at 3 months old, because of SIDS. After that daughters death she got a tattoo in Latin that means, “End of life, not love.” One of the parts of my sleeve will have that worked into it. Honestly, I don’t believe in getting matching tattoos. But, this is different. She died, and it’s kind of a way for me to be connected to her even if it is only “skin deep”, but for me it’s much deeper than that.

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Also, since it’s my family sleeve I am adding our youngest daughters footprint (finally!).

This sleeve is going to be so beautiful, and help me so much. Tattoos are one of my many ways I express myself. I can’t draw (though I wish I could). But, to have someone create something from a vision/idea I have, and have it placed on my skin for the world to witness is so empowering for me.

This past week I have been going through so much grief. That day seems to be getting closer, and closer. And I honestly feel like I am not ready for it. I don’t think I will ever be.

What made it harder this past week was the letters I got from the intoxicated driver who killed my sister instantly, and his mother. Their letters were asking for forgiveness, and at the same time begging for leniency. Those letters instantly pissed me off. And the fact that they said it was meant to happen, and God created the situation. I wanted to scream, “No, you created it by choosing to drive your friends truck completely wasted. God gave free will, and you chose to be an idiot, and killed someone.”

I am still mad at God. I still feel like I can’t trust him.

The fact that someone else’s free will can do such horrible things drives me crazy. Yes, I know there are instances all over the world of someone else’s free will fucking over someone else. But trust me when I say, it’s a whole lot different when you lose someone you have know your whole life, your best friend, a sister. You feel anger in a way you have never felt before. It’s rage at the unfairness, the injustice, the what if’s, and the what could have been.

Love or Love to HATE

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Express Yourself.

I personally think this whole “deflate gate” stuff is complete bullshit.

The Patriots are a team that you either love, or LOVE TO HATE.

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Don’t worry about me.

For the past 10 days I have been wearing my Gronk t-shirt in show of support.

And I will continue wearing it til after the Super Bowl.

(I wash it in the morning lol.)

Yep, people have tried to start conversations with me about them.

And if they are negative I ask them to give me evidence that is undeniable.

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Guess what?

No one can.

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The fact is the COLTS sucked ass that game.

They played horribly.

And the PATS brought their A game and kicked ass.

You just love to hate us.

Just admit it.

Always a PATRIOTS fan.

The First Birthday

Tomorrow is a first.

A horrible first.

It’s going to be her birthday.

The first one since she was instantly killed by a drunk driver.

She would of been 28 years old.

My best friend.

My sister.

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I wish I could just drown in some fruity concoction.

But, I have responsibilities to my family.

If only I could be alone; completely numb to the significance of that day.

She was only barely 27 years old when she was killed.

I’m not even to that point yet.

I honestly can’t imagine living such a short life.

I feel like it is all so unfair.

That God messed up somehow.

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Just the day before she was killed.

Usually, I would call her very early in the morning, and do a silly version of the Happy Birthday song.

I think I’m going to break down when I can’t tomorrow.

How will I even be able to sleep tonight?

"End of life, not of love."

“End of life, not of love.” (The tattoo on her back for her daughter. I will be adding these words to my half sleeve.)

I have many demons now.

I fight against them, but it’s an up-hill battle.

I struggle to make three steps, and I slide back two.

Grief is never ending.

The Plan

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So tonight we are having an “Adults Only” New Years Eve Party.

Our kiddos will be in bed when the party gets started.

My in-laws are visiting so they will be staying with our kiddos while we go over to the neighbors, and have adult fun time.

By my previous post, I know you can tell I don’t really give a fuck about the New Year.

But, it’s still going to be really hard for me.

I have already cried multiple times today.

Even when I was out shopping for a party dress with my MIL.

I cried silently in the dressing room.

Holidays really are the WORST when you have recently lost someone so close to you.

Every single memory from the past, rears its head.

And my sister, and I were only 2 and a half years apart.

So I literally have A MILLION things that trigger a memory of her.

I just can’t escape it.

New-Year-in

So my plan tonight, since I don’t have to be “responsible” mommy me, is to get hammered.

I don’t want to feel the pain that I know is coming (already here really).

Does this mean I will need a HUGE cup of coffee in the morning (or 3)? Maybe.

But, I can manage that.

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I’m going to be drinking all of my sisters favorite drinks she use to order.

It’s going to be a very sad memory lane.

I want just that one night to let completely loose, and not give a fuck.

Then when morning comes around, everything back to normal.

I know it sounds fucked up or “weird”, but it’s happening.

So cheers to you Sissy. Until we meet again love.

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Looking Back

2014 is a year I will NEVER forget.

A lot happened this year.

The DH turning 30, returning from deployment, meeting his new baby girl, and being promoted.

Our DD’s turning 1 & 5.

And me finally turning 25.

We PCS’d for the 2nd time in a year and a half.

Made new friends that are a blast.

Even all the good can’t cover up, that it was the worst year of my whole life so far.

The year started out so promising, and then it kind of fell apart into a bunch of crumbly pieces of shit.

Depression has a strong hold on me that I am fighting everyday.

I gained new fears that I never had before.

And my faith became tarnished and worn.

I lost trust in my God, and I thought that could never happen.

I know I have failed his ‘tests’ time and again this year.

And in a way I don’t give a fuck.

(But deep down I do.)

I have never been afraid of death, and now I am terrified.

I learned this year that everything I have, could be gone in just one moment.

One second, one decision, and that decision doesn’t even have to be mine.

I miss my best friend, my sister so much.

That one family member that understood my secrets, and my past.

The one who I connected with on a level I never will again with anyone else.

I lost a huge chunk of my heart, and soul.

A loss like that changes you.

Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful for my little family.

For my husband, and our kiddos.

But, my world has become less optimistic since she was taken out of it.

For 2015 I hope to persevere against this maddening grief.

To find my way back to God.

Have that trust back, that I feel like he snatched away from me.

To be wild every now and again.

To see things that Tessa dreamed of, but will never fulfill.

Mostly, to have that peace I once had before shit hit the fan, and my world was crashed into a darkness that is hard to escape from.

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