With moving into the new house, and being so freaking busy; it’s been impossible to get online recently. Also, Baby A was seriously sick with a horrible stomach virus. It was pretty rough for like a week, but today she seems a little bit better.
I can feel my depression wrapping its hands around my throat so I know it’s time to write.
On June 11 the sentencing finally happened for the drunk driver who instantly killed my sister Tessa On March 23, 2014.
I don’t agree with what he got. I am shock that our system is so fucked up and so light when it comes to someone taking a life.
1) Hector Soto will plead guilty on June 11th
2) DUI probation for 10 years
3) interlock for vehicle
4) ankle monitor bracelet
5) new intense TX alcohol treatment program
6) additional jail time of a hundred and twenty days from guilty plea date June 11th . No credit for jail time passed
7 ) weekend jail lock up ( Friday- Sunday ) the anniversary of Tessa death for duration of probation, 10 years
I know a lot of people may think it’s a lot, but trust me when I tell you when/if this happens to you, you’ll want the person in jail a hell of a lot longer than one year, and 120 days.
After everything was final I just felt like I couldn’t breath. Over, and over again I can hear my inner voice saying, “It’s not enough, it’s not enough.”
When you lose someone instantly, and all because of someone else’s life choices you become angry. And slowly it morphs into depression. At least for me.
I miss Tessa every second that I am on this Earth, and she is not. She was truly my best friend. I lost my sister and my confidant.
When my marriage was getting rocky I use to call her, and she would let me vent and talk for hours.
Or if something was going on with the kids she was there.
If work was driving me insane she was there.
Tessa was my shoulder.
I lost all of that, and now I just feel like I’m bottling up so much, and I’m about to explode or sink deeper. All because I don’t have my “person” anymore.
A part of my heart and soul has been stripped away, and no one or thing can replace her.
This grief is interfering with so much in my life.
Even some close family & friends don’t understand it. And at times it feels like they get annoyed that I haven’t “gotten over it” or “moved on”.
But that’s the thing. That’s the lie everyone feeds you.
There’s no such thing as moving on or getting over it. EVER. When it’s someone who was so connected to you.
You just continue to live, because you have to. And the world keeps spinning even though you feel as if your world is on pause.
Already, over a year has past since Tessa was killed. The first year of my entire life I didn’t have her by my side. I have had her since the day I was born. That kind of lost is damaging to your very being.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I know what I feel: anger, depression, hopeless….etc.
I still can’t step foot into a church. I get so annoyed and pissed off at all the happy people. I just want to scream, “Has God truly taken something that means the world to you?” “Has he let that happened?” It’s a true test in your faith. And I have failed that test. I just don’t understand it all. She had 3 beautiful kids all 7 and under at the time, and a husband without a job. She was their world. I just can’t compute what God was thinking.
Maybe one day I’ll get that understanding, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a while.